4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
why isn’t he texting back
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.