4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

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When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.


“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.


who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure


me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)


me: i’d like to make a complaint

optometrist: what is it?

me: the surgery i just had

optometrist: and?

me: [taking off sunglasses] do you see any laser eyes because i don’t


*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*


I dunno if anyone else follows Play-Doh on Facebook but you should cause they’re doing some serious damage control


At this point, I’m pretty sure the main reason Donald Trump ran for president was to get more Twitter followers