@MumInBits

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

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@Shade510

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

@jwoodham

“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.

@FredTaming

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

@OrdinaryAlso

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

@PoshTick

me: i’d like to make a complaint

optometrist: what is it?

me: the surgery i just had

optometrist: and?

me: [taking off sunglasses] do you see any laser eyes because i don’t

@jctwritesstuff

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

@Fatgoldfish4

I dunno if anyone else follows Play-Doh on Facebook but you should cause they’re doing some serious damage control

@briangaar

At this point, I’m pretty sure the main reason Donald Trump ran for president was to get more Twitter followers