4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
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Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Proofread twice, hang posters once
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Orange cat behavior 😂
