4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
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I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
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Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
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Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you