4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
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My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.