Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did