4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
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Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I’m crying im so happy for them
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.