4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

You Might Also Like


me: “leave the door ajar on your way out”
jam salesman: [visibly confused]


Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!


Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?


How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.


When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?


When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.


I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”


My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.


[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.


Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit


I hate when people say “Look at me when I’m talking to you.” I mean, c’mon, one inconvenience at a time.


Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences