@TheAlexNevil

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

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@KeetPotato

me: “leave the door ajar on your way out”
jam salesman: [visibly confused]

@T_Bonezzz_

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

@sarcasticmommy4

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

@varoon_singh

When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?

@Darlainky

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

@IDontSpeakWhine

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

@FullMetalMommy

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

@SimplySnaccbar

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

@Sarcasticsapien

I hate when people say “Look at me when I’m talking to you.” I mean, c’mon, one inconvenience at a time.

@audipenny

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences