4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
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I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
happy friday
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
