[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
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[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
I feel it
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions