Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dentist: when did you last floss?

me: just last week

dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true

me: sorry, i meant yesterday

dentist: what?

me: i mean i’m flossing right now

dentist:

me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?

Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

Good point.

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

he was correct

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!