Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

Talking to funeral home director:

Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”

MIL: “Let go of me!”

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?

Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.