Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.