Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

What the hell happened in there??

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

Shortcut

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.