Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

Meow

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.