4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
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What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
🤣🤣🤣
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.