4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
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Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
some of you aren’t reading the room. not even listening to the room on audiobook
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.