4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
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People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!