4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
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Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
#FunnyLife Insects
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
