4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
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We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him: