4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
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*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
This line from Airplane.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one