4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
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I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Sex so good you see dead people.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
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Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.