Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

not for long

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

herekittykittykittykitty

– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

Her: Do I look fat?

Him: Do I look stupid?…

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.