Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.

Sincerely,
hawks

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*

My foot: I’LL GET IT

My brain: NO YOU IDIOT

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

Him: How did he die?

Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.

Him: A murder?

Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.