Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.

the answer was staring at me all along

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

Every damn time

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”

instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds