{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
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I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
My blood type is b hungry.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket