$4 #usedbooks
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Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”