$4 #usedbooks
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Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
“I’m helping” 😅
Me irl
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
my sentiments exactly
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]