$4 #usedbooks
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My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.