Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
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so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.