4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”

Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

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4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!


[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year


We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex


Hopscotch would be a lot more challenging if the kids actually had scotch..


[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card


My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?


i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking


Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No