4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
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How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
BRAKING NEWS!!
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.