Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

What a kind woman! 😂😂

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

The prophecy is fulfilled

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.