{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
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i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.