Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.