{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
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*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this