{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
You Might Also Like
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
kitchen magnet
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
oh good, now I can stop drinking
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.