4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
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Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
When your parents check you’re ok.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long