Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

Do you need a glass of water?

No???

You sure? You seem a little salty…

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST