Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.