Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.