4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
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roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie: