4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
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Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.