4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
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For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
White parent Vs Arab parents
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby