Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

Bike for sale

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing