Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

How do dragons blow out candles?

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?

Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

who did the taste test?

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.

There was a sudden Jeff in the family

Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes

That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines