4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
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I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Church Pugh’s
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Rambo Rambow
I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes