4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
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Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?