Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch