4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????
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We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
THIS HEADLINE
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Ken is short for chicken
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.