4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????
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Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Yep.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”