[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
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Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries