[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
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I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya