Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

You’d better have a great day today

Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*