4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
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Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter