Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

Me in tagged photos

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it