Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.