4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
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[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text