4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
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They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Cha-ching is my safe word
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.