4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
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Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
one last job
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*