Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.

1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!

Better luck next time champ

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?