Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

a fate I wish upon no one

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.