4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
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If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon