4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
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Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?