Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

When your parents check you’re ok.

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’