Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

*pronounces carrot like tarot*

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.