4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
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My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
😍😂🥰😂😍
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Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry