Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.