4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
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I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.