Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad

Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”