Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

Love it! 👍😂

It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.