4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
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Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
lol
