4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
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A woman drives into a bar.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.