Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

boss: i never got ur email

me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

yes yes a thousand times yes!

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…

Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.