4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
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I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
can’t catch a break
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.