Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

👍

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.