4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
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Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The only equipped I am is ill.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Monday Lisa
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.