Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart

Noah: glue might work, I have an idea

Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal