4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
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Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*