Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing colonization]

britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

My dog learned how to text

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

Livid.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.