4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
You Might Also Like
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
This anagram machine is out of order.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
August 8
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.