4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
You Might Also Like
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Cucumbers Anonymous
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
fixed it
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Go gym
True story 🤣
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.